Saturday, March 5, 2011

Day 153

Well I've prayed about something for 15+ years off and on and never felt like I got an answer.  I didn't get a crystal clear answer today but I got a piece of the puzzle answered.  When I was 5 I was molested by my older cousin.  He was in his late teens at the time; old enough to know better.  From the age of 12 I've wondered when I would press charges.  It was never a question of "if I would do it" it was "when would I do it?"  There are several reasons why it has not happened.  One is that his mother is one of my if not my favorite aunt.  I didn't know if she knew, I didnt' know how to bring it up and I didn't want her to feel like I blamed her at all.  I blame no one, not even my cousin.  Crap happens in life, and this is just part of my story.  I don't believe in dwelling in the past, something I can't ever change, it happened, I acknowledge it, move on.  However the part that I can't move on from is the guilt that I feel when I think that he may have abused others.  I know he has, some before/during the same time as me and its suspected that there are some after.  Now he has children, two daughters that I know of.  The guilt that I feel about these girls creeps up.  Coincidentally guilt is one thing that I pray about and is on my list of things and I haven't been able to cross it off yet.  Okay, rambling on.  The next reason is my dad.  I know that my dad has guilt over this and that he wasn't able to protect me.  I don't want him to feel like this.  It wasn't his fault and honestly I would never change anything about my life and so I'll take the good with the bad and this is just part of the bad.  The other is the other suspected and confirmed victims.  I dont' want to force them to say anything but at the same time the more stories there are the better chance of conviction. 
So what is the miracle.  Well, I've been praying about what to do about this for years.  Today out of the blue my aunt, his mom, said she wanted to ask my advice about a situation because she knew I'd experienced the same thing with her son.  I was flabbergasted, my response was, "how did you know about ***** and I?"  She said that she had always known but that she was waiting for me to bring it up.  I told her that I would have never brought it up because I didn't want her to feel guilt about it.  She said that she had gone to counselling and that she always hoped that I would go forward and press charges.  Miracle one!  So there's my answer to that hesitation.  Now the funny thing is that for as much as you pray sometimes and you think that you know what you want once you get it now your not so sure.  I'm sure, I think though that this is the scariest thing I will ever do.  Scary because it unveils a family secret that could hurt people.  His wife, his kids, my family, my dad, my aunt, me.  However I will do it.  It is just when.  I'm going to set a date in my head and I will do it by then.  I think the only way to get rid of my guilt is to do something about it.  So even though I didn't think I'd ever get the answer, thank you God for answering my prayer. 

No comments:

Post a Comment