Day 156

I had a decision to make and I really didn't know what to do about it.  I find that there are some things that I really wish I had a husband to make the final decision about; or discuss it with and then we could make a decision together.  It doesn't happen often but there are times when I really have no opinion and wish that if I had a husband he would have an opinion and make the decision.  Today I was able to make the decision I was facing because God just gave me the information I needed to make the decision very easy.  So I guess He's my fill-in husband/decision maker right now and I'm good with that!  So Thanks God for deciding that for me!

Day 155

I got a text from a friend today that she and I have been trying to get together for months now.  Finally I made the time.  She sent me a text and I decided that I'd put off getting together long enough.  After naps we packed up and headed to visit my friend and her family.  We spent the majority afternoon and part of the evening together and visiting.  It was great and I thank God for the time and making the time to get together today.

Day 154

Have you ever prayed and then years later realize you got the answer and think, "man I really didn't want the answer"?  This is exactly what happened to me today.  Unfortunately I am not going to blog about the situation; I'm a pretty open person but this topic just crosses some boundaries that I'm not willing to make public right now.  However I am going to write about the fact that a prayer that I've had for about 20+ years was answered today.  God performed this little miracle in my life and let me know that He does listen and He does answer, just in His time, not mine.  Thanks though!

Day 153

Well I've prayed about something for 15+ years off and on and never felt like I got an answer.  I didn't get a crystal clear answer today but I got a piece of the puzzle answered.  When I was 5 I was molested by my older cousin.  He was in his late teens at the time; old enough to know better.  From the age of 12 I've wondered when I would press charges.  It was never a question of "if I would do it" it was "when would I do it?"  There are several reasons why it has not happened.  One is that his mother is one of my if not my favorite aunt.  I didn't know if she knew, I didnt' know how to bring it up and I didn't want her to feel like I blamed her at all.  I blame no one, not even my cousin.  Crap happens in life, and this is just part of my story.  I don't believe in dwelling in the past, something I can't ever change, it happened, I acknowledge it, move on.  However the part that I can't move on from is the guilt that I feel when I think that he may have abused others.  I know he has, some before/during the same time as me and its suspected that there are some after.  Now he has children, two daughters that I know of.  The guilt that I feel about these girls creeps up.  Coincidentally guilt is one thing that I pray about and is on my list of things and I haven't been able to cross it off yet.  Okay, rambling on.  The next reason is my dad.  I know that my dad has guilt over this and that he wasn't able to protect me.  I don't want him to feel like this.  It wasn't his fault and honestly I would never change anything about my life and so I'll take the good with the bad and this is just part of the bad.  The other is the other suspected and confirmed victims.  I dont' want to force them to say anything but at the same time the more stories there are the better chance of conviction. 
So what is the miracle.  Well, I've been praying about what to do about this for years.  Today out of the blue my aunt, his mom, said she wanted to ask my advice about a situation because she knew I'd experienced the same thing with her son.  I was flabbergasted, my response was, "how did you know about ***** and I?"  She said that she had always known but that she was waiting for me to bring it up.  I told her that I would have never brought it up because I didn't want her to feel guilt about it.  She said that she had gone to counselling and that she always hoped that I would go forward and press charges.  Miracle one!  So there's my answer to that hesitation.  Now the funny thing is that for as much as you pray sometimes and you think that you know what you want once you get it now your not so sure.  I'm sure, I think though that this is the scariest thing I will ever do.  Scary because it unveils a family secret that could hurt people.  His wife, his kids, my family, my dad, my aunt, me.  However I will do it.  It is just when.  I'm going to set a date in my head and I will do it by then.  I think the only way to get rid of my guilt is to do something about it.  So even though I didn't think I'd ever get the answer, thank you God for answering my prayer. 

Day 152

Today we had a speech assessment for Jacob.  It was with the speech pathologist.  She and I had a discussion and I think I get where she is coming from now and she sees where I'm coming from.  I've been a bit oversensitive about this, I know, and I'm trying to be open.  Today she explained that she feels compared to her counterparts she probably keeps kids on longer than she should but she just wants to give them as much as she can.  She explained how their minds are like sponges and so she likes to let them absorb as much now.  I agree, and now hearing that she knows she over serves people I understand it and don't feel like "there is something wrong with my kid" as much as she just over serves kids.  I'm okay with that.  I told her that we would be continuing to come until she said we have to stop, I explained that I am not fond of the idea of speech but that I will everything for my child, he is first.  So until she tells us to stop we will be going.  I'm glad we had this conversation and now have a mutual understanding of where we are.  On the other note she does want to take a break for the remainder of spring, just one or two more appointments and then do another assessment a few months down the road to see if he still needs to come or not.

Day 151

I was driving doing my errands this afternoon and then all of a sudden I heard "pop" when I turned and then it was hard to turn my steering wheel.  I went to the local garage and asked them to look at it because I was pretty sure it was my power steering pump/hose.  Yep, it was.  Now not only was it that but my tie rod ends were also shot and they needed to be fixed.  I asked for a quote; over $600!!!!  Now for several months now I've done something I've never done before.  I started saving, I know I'm pathetic, 31 years old and finally I've started to be responsible and save money.  So I have the money to fix my jeep but the even better news and miracle of this all is that I actually don't have to touch my savings.  This month the way the pay periods work I get 3 paychecks, bonus!  So I was going to at first go shopping with the extra money, then I thought twice and was going to do the responsible thing and put the extra money in savings.  However now that the jeep is going to cost that much I will just use the money for that.  So thanks God for keeping my jeep running smoothly until I had the extra money available to get it all fixed.  See miracles do happen!!

Day 150

Today was an easy miracle to find; the roads were horrible tonight, it was snowing and visibility really wasn't good but, I made it home safe and sound.  Thanks God!